Mastering The Art of Presence in Your Third Place

You’ve likely heard the common refrain, “we’re more connected and more lonely than ever before.” This, of course, refers to the parallel phenomena of increasing social media use that allows us to connect with anyone at any time and decreasing real-life, in-person connections.

We’re connected, but lonely. 

There are lots of reasons for this, but one stands out as an important one: the decrease in third spaces, generally, and our decreasing use of third places that exist. A third place is, simply, somewhere to go between work and home for informal connections, relaxation, and to simply exist. 

Finding your third place—a cafe, pub, library, or anything else—can help you connect with others in your community and build stronger interpersonal relationships and communication. They cultivate a sense of inclusivity and belonging. 

But here’s the thing: it’s not enough to find a third space. You need to be present in it. 

Let’s look at what that means. 

Being There vs. Being Present

Anyone can go to a cafe or pub, grab a drink, and sit down. They might be on their computers working or scrolling on their phone. And, in fact, many people do this regularly… you might be one of them. 

You’re there, but are you really present? 

Or, take the gym. It’s another potential third space to connect with other fitness enthusiasts. But take a look around: how many people are wearing headphones, oblivious to what’s going on around them? 

Again, you’re there in the gym, but are you present?

Our devices—computers and iPads and smartphones and earbuds—can prevent us from being fully present in the moment. If we’re in our own world, attached to a screen, there is no space to allow for interpersonal connection and interaction. Just think—would you approach someone who’s wearing headphones for a chat? Unlikely. And it’s equally unlikely someone will strike up a conversation with you when you’re absorbed in your technology. 

Being physically present is not the same as being open and available to connect with others.

6 Tips to Be Present In Your Third Space

Now, generally speaking this is not a problem. If you’re focused on work or need your pump-up music for a workout—headphones may be necessary. If your goal is to complete an assignment or catch up on emails whilst enjoying a hot cup of coffee at the cafe—no need to chat with anyone. 

But if your goal is to utilize a third space to increase connections and social interactions, you need to cultivate the art of presence. You need to be present. It means looking up from your device, striking up a conversation, taking out the headphones, and seeking opportunities to connect. 

Here are six tips to cultivate presence in your third space: 

1. Ditch the headphones. No, not always, but when you want to connect. Know that people are unlikely to talk to you with them in, so try experimenting with taking them out and being more aware of your surroundings. 
2. Go analog. Instead of being on your phone or computer when by yourself in a third space, try activities like writing, sketching, knitting, or reading a book or magazine. This can be a pleasant screen-free way to spend your time, but it also invites people to strike up a conversation—Hey, I love your sketches! Do you draw often? 
3. Small talk with staff. It can be daunting to strike up conversations with strangers, so practice with the staff and employees at your third place. This means ordering in person (not via an app) and striking up a pleasant conversation. Don’t hold them back from their work, but focus on making that personal connection. 
4. Smile…if you want. Of course, no need to force a cheery smile if you’re having an off day, but don’t underestimate the power of a simple smile and “hello” when you sit down. Acknowledge those around you to let them know you’re friendly, open, and available to connect.
5. Bring a buddy. Hanging out with a friend is a natural way to be present in the moment. Say goodbye to the devices and enjoy a conversation, game, or hobby together.
6. Frequent the same place. One key to getting the most out of a third place is returning to the same third place. Become a regular somewhere and you’ll get to know the other regulars… especially if you’re implementing the above techniques.

Hopping between cafes without taking your eyes off your phone will not cultivate connection and community in a third space. Being intentional and present will. What’s one step you can take today to try it out?